What I've Been Up To!e

Hey Everyone!

I know that I have been using my blog to basically just write poems or random thoughts that come from here and there, so I figured today I would just let you in on a couple of things I have planned and what I have been getting into these past couple of weeks.

I have been doing alot of research as far as looking for work, my daughter who is going on 20 months is almost ready to start daycare and it will be alot easier to go back to work since she will be taken care of. At times, I just feel like taking whatever is offered since the economy isnt that great these days one shall not be picky..its just a tacky trait. I've been leaning towards retail since its the easiest thing to get but I have been thinking alot about going back to school. I went to college before for fashion design and merchandising but tuition was just too expensive and it didnt work out for me. I have been thinking alot about Massage therapy. I love making people feel beautiful and relaxed. I even thought about opening my own spa one day..if its meant to be it will.

Youtube.com has become almost like a best friend to me. I just want to give major props to all the gurus out there that I follow cuz you guys are so talented and have really taught me alot about many things. I never used to wear makeup like that, my mom would even say how pale and sick I look..ok Im hispanic and if I look pale and sick then there is a problem. Anyways, not to sound full of it but I am getting so good at the strokes and using my imagination with it all. I am super excited about it. I love youtube!!

This weekend is Labor Day weekend and I know that there will be alot of BBQ's going on and I just wish everyone a fun and safe weekend. Tomorrow I am leaving to New Jersey to stay a few days with my BFF. I hardley get to see her and when we do its so much fun. I cant wait. I know this entry was pretty much me just rambling but I wanted to just say hello to everyone and thanks for reading my blogs it means so much to me.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Love Of My Life

I recently came across an old diary entry about one of the most important people in my life. This entry was written in 2003. It amazes me so, just how young my mind was at the time. Though I still feel the same as did back then at this present time, I thought it would be sort of an eye opening thing to do to post it up. Now mind you, I am heavily into the whole English accent thing and the words may sound a bit English lol..but just bare with me..lol.

Leaders of our own path for which people, our fans wish to follow. No matter the problem we always knew what to do. I shelter thee to be happy and warm while he shelters me with protection and loyalty. For yes, In this world we reside in I may be a pauper but for a dream well lived such as this one, I am royalty with decendants. While my one true love is off fighting for the freedom of his people and we have bestowed up him the courage and fight to gain all trust! You see, Real life is not but a short introduction away. What a fine line between surrelism and reality, its like you can almost see it. Expression is one of the most many achievments, I cant reveal to you how many times a day I'd wish upon a star the good thing is I no longer have to wish on that star for my Draco (My Boo LOL) already came true. I do continue to wish for him but no longer for myself, you see Im happy when he is. Im lucky and fortunate to say that Draco taught me everything I know and then some. I notice each day and night that I change and Im never going to be the same again. Thats a beautiful thing patiently waiting for the arrival of my chosen one. Life is a journey, a journey well lived? Yes! I would do it all over again.

For I fear this is not only the beginning to my story but im back to the intro, I relive the happiness all over again. What a life I have lived, what a tale I cant wait to be unfold but all in good time..Patience is the virtue to all great things. In my decision to choose the road Im on. I shall not make a U-turn, I will make not reverse nor will I ever go back to where I came from.

A couple of years ago, I imagined all the best things in my life to happen, would just happen all at once, that all these dreams of mine would soar the wild blue door and open all these possibilities. I believed in the sweetest kind of dream in which you can smile about the bad later! But at this moment of my life..I shall never see a gray sky but the rainbow over looking the most beautiful ocean..Love makes me feel this way..Draco is that reason.

In Dedication To...

I remember as a young child, I would look out the window and daydream about what I wanted to be when I grew up. That dream was to be a fashion designer. I used to cut old clothes and make outfits for my barbies or my Lil' Miss Perfect doll and just remember how proud I used to feel when the final garment was done and ready for show. I remember my first sketch..she had a cup head and triangles for a body..lol..I laugh because I was so determined to make this drawing as high fashion as possible and I was only 7 years old. In school everyone knew this is what I wanted to be, and then there were some people who thought I was a great writer. I used to write alot of poems and people including my teachers loved when I used to get up and read what I wrote. Recently, a old elementary classmate of mines, who I used to have a huge crush on told me that til this day he remembers those poems, how brave he thought I was to get up in front of the whole class and declare my love to him through my poems, I was only 10 years old.

I always go back to fashion though. I love the way I can combine colors and create new ideas and then call them my own. I admire the presentation and effort put into some of these designs you see now a days. The work and sweat these artist put into so that their customers have the best experience when wearing their creations. Thats what I wanted, and in many ways..I think I still do. Its been a long time since my last sketch and lately I have felt like I had to say goodbye to an old friend. I used to get so lost when I got into drawing and lately I will get lost when I start writing as I am in a zone already as I type this blog. I guess it goes by

how it makes you feel...Its a part of me I know it is. I just dont know how to get it back. 

I respect those who have gone after there dreams and dedicated there life into becoming something..there is a girl who I recently discovered and has become a role model to me and she is younger than I. She has established her life in such a genuine way and makes me want to put that extra effort into myself. Its so weird how a person you have never met can affect your life in such a positive way and make you want to be a better version of yourself. I want to thank her if she is to ever read this blog Dulcecandy87. 

I want to thank you for being a inspiration to me. I went online looking for something specific and instead I found a person who is living her dream. I admire you so much and hopes to one day feel proud and confident in my everyday steps as you are. I wish the best for myself now and its because you opened my eyes to be a better version of myself for me and my daughter. Thank you for your inspiration and for opening your love of all that is you with me and  the world. I dedicate this blog to you!

Fashion and writing are one of the two loves of my life and I let it leave me. I want to regain that again, I want to regain that inspiration I had for my love of all that is me. I will continue to take those steps to find myself again. I want to be that girl that can say "This is what I love and this is what I am about, and this is WHO I AM!!! Here is to challenges and to finding my calling.

Do You Believe?

I believe in miracles. Most people would call me a hopeless romantic someone not from this world or era. I was put on this earth to show that love can really exist and it doesn't make you any less of a person if you do..something like a cupid on earth..lol. A once upon a time..is the begining of my story and A happily ever after will be the end. Did you ever notice that once you have that someone special in your life every thing else seems to fall into place. You have goals and you want to become the best you can be. Dont get me wrong I am not trying to say that you need someone else to be happy and do right by you, what I am saying is this..If love is what you seek, I promise you will find. Don't ever hurt anyone is the process of finding this sacred emotion, KARMA is a big factor and it will hit you hard if you decided go that route. If it's meant to be with the person you find and you work hard to achieve it, then happiness and your Happily ever after will be the ending to your story as well. Good Luck In The Search Of "Once Upon A Time"!!

Faux-Ships

What is the real meaning of faux-ships? It is when you have someone in your life and you are so happy to have them be apart of you in such a way that you feel nothing but lucky and grateful..and then their true colors come out and thats when you realize they were not what you expected.

It is said that when you have Faux..it usually leaves you wondering of all the wasted time you spent with this person. To want to get things off your chest and to cry in front of this person and reveal what hurts the most in your life, all they can do in return to you is a smile full of gloat? To have the odasity to convince me now after all this time that your life is so perfect and give me your pity? Save it..I guess MISERY REALLY DOES LOVE COMPANY. I've noticed that this faux is always in a rut and never really looks for me, unless they need some cheering up, as if they count on my hardships to make their life so much more valuable, does that make sense?

I am so tired of these faux-ships that I am taking after Santa Claus and checking my list and checking it twice.

Why is it so hard to find real friends, special people that you can laugh with and share happy and sad moments with. Why do friendships have to be like a trial where all they can do is judge you and brand you a type afterwards. Its sickening to me.

Faux-ships..it so wrong to say but this is so true..Most of the people in our life just may be that faux..and I cab guarentee that only a handfull are sincereley there because they love and care about you.

I had this in my mind today and I guess I just needed to vent it out..friendships are so important to me and I care about people so deeply that when I get tricked to believing that they actually care I tend to feel stupid afterwards. Always appreciate those friends you have when you know you have them..as far as those faux...do they really deserve your energy?? Not me..not anymore!

The Mysterious Smile

Who would have thought that this girl who once wrote of darkness may have finally seen a crack of light. A mere glimspe of a future without all the dissapointment and anguish feelings. My face is suddenly feeling a emotion that it is not quite used to yet it feels nice.

A sudden impact of feeling starts to take over this part of my body in such a way..Can it be true? Am I capable of smiling? Who would have thought that lil' old me has felt enough passion today that the world could actually be a great place to be. That all could be right in the world and that for once its a happiness from within where it is kept so deep inside that no one can ruin it with hate or negetivity.

The mysterious smile that lays across my face..it comes from place I yet cant explain but soon will..All I know that this mysterious smile has made me realize that maybe just maybe life can be all you wish it could be...To Be Continued.......

Home?

It isn't the place where I grew up, nor the place where I layed my head when I was a child. It isn't the place where I took my first steps, nor is it the place where my first birthday was celebrated. I cant begin to express to you where my home is..I cant see it.

I can not call it a sactuary, nor can I call it a safe place to be. I can not say that I feel protected here and I cant call it my home sweet home..I cant begin to tell you why this is the place I should be calling home.

This isnt a image I am trying to portray or a exageration of my mind. Almost 29 years of never really feeling that warm and loving togetherness one is born into. Home...how I appreciate that word so much. How I wish and pray for someday I have a place to call home again.

Its the place where I should feel new and refreshed. It should be the place where all my sorrows can dissapear in a single thought. It the place where I should go for comfort and feel my most safest.

My home? My home..My always feel happy place..(I type that with a smile)..the smell of flowers and rain. A ever welcoming place of serenity..a want of mine..so desperatley I seek.
More valuable that money and more priceless than jewels..Home...More than I have ever wanted anything in my whole life.

They Said, I Said!

They said I can do anything that the world was at the tips of my hands.

They said I was talented & gifted that I would one day visit many lands.

They said I was smart & intelligent born with a good head on my shoulders.

But they never said I would be thrown onto rocks & be crushed by the boulders.

They once said "Girl, you are going to be famous, you going to make it honey!"

But they should have said you'll be struggling for that job, crying for that money

They said Look in the papers make some moves, make those calls.

How everything changes, No more praises, Go work at the mall.

They said clean the streets, flip them burgers Do something Honey!

I do this, I do that I brought this, It sure feels good to have that money.

They said I was tired, a waste of skin a good fortune turned sour.

This is when I took what they said & converted it into power!!

Now they say we knew you can do it we knew it all along

Screw you, it was I who needed to change, I needed to be strong.

Now I say "Without your help I became ME, When I was at the top you never let me

fall but when I fell you never picked me up. I said When I had nothing you laughed at me while cheering me on like you had all this money as if you were some kind of Don.

They said Where did this anger come from, Why are you so upset?

I said you thought that you knew who I was, but you haven't met the real me yet.

I said I heard it all, the goods & the bads the loves and the hates.

So I say to you as I will save this date.

No More sad songs I don't need your help leave your pity at the gate.

I promise to lift myself out of this gutter & rise to my salvation.I promise you this just you wait.

I said I'm going to make it, Be happy and successful I have said again today!

Now you tell me! What more of your Bullshit do you have to say?

Always Remember This..

I will be the first person to tell you when you have something great in your life always look at it with appreciation and try your hardest to never let it go. I know so many people that have lost there chance to be happy out of fear that they have hit a dead end zone. That once a person has found there happiness there is no going up from there. This is not true out all. This only means that once you have found that certain connection with someone that nothing else is a suprise, everything from there on in is considered a adventure.

There are moments in time where the most special gifts are those not seen but felt. A feeling in which a person can have the inner power to achieve anything in life just cause at the persice moment they were just that happy! I know I must sound like one of those woman who only sees rainbows when theres thunder in the sky...and your right. Whats the point of visioning a world of dissapointment when there are so many things surrounding us that is so pure and innocent that can change even the most angry person's mind. I believe in the quote" If you wish it, It will come". Its so very true.

Though this entry is quite short..I just wanted to get a point across. In life, when you are given a gift of heart, dont ever take it for granted. Cherish the action and always now that its gifts of the heart are the kind of sentiments that you can never get a rain check for, or exchange it for something else. They come only Once In A Lifetime.

Reality..The Intro

There are times that I can just sit in a moment of stand still and actually believe that I can live the normal life I always wanted. I start to visualize myself surrounded by the tender loving care that everyone assumes comes natural when your born into a family or when you have one of your own, Of course thats not the case here. I now just sit with confusion..wondering "What the hell is going on?". All my life I have felt the need to be a part of something so full of complete and utter happiness, I always just wanted to belong...to something.

How is it possible that a person who has so much feels like they have nothing, I will tell you why..its because what I always wanted was acceptance, respect and love. I feel like I never got it from where it mattered the most. I have a daughter and I vow everyday that she doesnt go through what I go through. I know that there are alot of people out there that has gone through similar situations, just please hear me out. This is where my REALITY hits.....

Im 28 years old..my parents have been married for 48 years still going strong. I have NO relationship with my father what so ever and I live with him not by choice. I was in a situation where I had to come back and start over from scratch and trust me that was not a good day. My dad is the most selfish man in the world, if you want to put a smile on his face just shower him with gifts. My dad makes me feel like I was a mistake and because of him I have lost alot, My childhood, self-worth and friends in the making. I have a 9pm curfew which means I cant leave the house after 9pm and I have to be home by 9pm. He has a alarm on the door which goes off when I come home just so he know what time I got in. He boobie traps the house and he has a payphone in the house. He embarresses me in front of company and calls me a failure as a compliment. This is my real father.

I dont blame myself at all for wanting to escape this type of REALITY with a dream here and there, a happily ever after if you will. Its the only way I can find my serenity. I hope that as a new blogger I will be able to just find the answers in my writing and little by little try to find myself again and understand why I am the way I am. The little girl inside wants to know.