There are times that I can just sit in a moment of stand still and actually believe that I can live the normal life I always wanted. I start to visualize myself surrounded by the tender loving care that everyone assumes comes natural when your born into a family or when you have one of your own, Of course thats not the case here. I now just sit with confusion..wondering "What the hell is going on?". All my life I have felt the need to be a part of something so full of complete and utter happiness, I always just wanted to belong...to something.
How is it possible that a person who has so much feels like they have nothing, I will tell you why..its because what I always wanted was acceptance, respect and love. I feel like I never got it from where it mattered the most. I have a daughter and I vow everyday that she doesnt go through what I go through. I know that there are alot of people out there that has gone through similar situations, just please hear me out. This is where my REALITY hits.....
Im 28 years old..my parents have been married for 48 years still going strong. I have NO relationship with my father what so ever and I live with him not by choice. I was in a situation where I had to come back and start over from scratch and trust me that was not a good day. My dad is the most selfish man in the world, if you want to put a smile on his face just shower him with gifts. My dad makes me feel like I was a mistake and because of him I have lost alot, My childhood, self-worth and friends in the making. I have a 9pm curfew which means I cant leave the house after 9pm and I have to be home by 9pm. He has a alarm on the door which goes off when I come home just so he know what time I got in. He boobie traps the house and he has a payphone in the house. He embarresses me in front of company and calls me a failure as a compliment. This is my real father.
I dont blame myself at all for wanting to escape this type of REALITY with a dream here and there, a happily ever after if you will. Its the only way I can find my serenity. I hope that as a new blogger I will be able to just find the answers in my writing and little by little try to find myself again and understand why I am the way I am. The little girl inside wants to know.